On (Mommy) Anxiety

Today was an unusual day. In the morning, after dropping Jamila off at work, we stopped at the preschool where Achchie and Mahapa work. We typically stop there on our way back home to take a break - I get some water and some food, Taj gets to nurse and Nalini gets to play with the other kids, and then we set forth towards home together. Today though, I needed to apply for Taj's social security card, and thought Nalini would be happier at the school than in line for an hour at the Social Security Office. So I left her there, partly really worried that she would cry when I left or while I was gone. In the past, if I were to leave the school (to pick something up from the car), she would cry and call after me. But not today. She watched me go, and stayed fine for the entire 2 hours I was gone. When I got back, I got a big smile and we left to go home without any incidents or anxieties that are so typical of toddlerhood.

In the evening we had the same thing happen again - I had an appointment, and our friends Song and Lee kindly agreed to watch Nalini and have her play with their daughter Joan while I was gone. Joan is one of Nalini's best friends, and we have hung out with Song quite a few times, so I wasn't too worried about leaving Nalini at their place for the first time. Well, not until I realized that Song was not home when I dropped Nalini off, and Lee came to pick her up from the car by himself. Nalini had seen him a few times at the park, but never really interacted closely with him before. Besides, she had never been at their place, so I was expecting her to cry and call after me as I was pulling the car out to go my way. Once again, no such thing happened - she remained on Lee's arms, a big smile on her face, a shy wave "bye, bye". When I came back I got a big smile and a very happy girl, no anxiety about my being away for 2 hours and leaving her behind at an unfamiliar situation.

Of course I am very happy and very proud of seeing Nalini grow so independent. I have always encouraged her to go her way and do things by herself, yet such a high degree of confidence is rare on a young toddler. Deep in my heart, I know she is behaving that way because she trusts me and knows I wouldn't leave her behind in a bad situation, and I take consolation in that feeling. At the same time, I do miss the little baby that was very much attached to me, and get a little sad to see her become her own independent person.

As I struggle with an 11-week old baby who does not like to be by himself for not even a minute, I grieve the newly gained indepedence of my toddler which I so much fought for. Motherhood is full of contradictions...